Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
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He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
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Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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