this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Boobs speak an international language.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
