I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
