the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
