and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize