My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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