You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
what day is it and did you see me today?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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