Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
