Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
