i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm both gender and math confused
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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