i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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