She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
