last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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