i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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