i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
