I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
