in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
