smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
