thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
then he tried to convert me to islam
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
