I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
