Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
