Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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