you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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