my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
