He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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