im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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