Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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