You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
