I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
