Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
