he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
