Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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