Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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