just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
