fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
