There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
