Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
