My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
