He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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