i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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