You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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