he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
