omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
