happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
