so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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