nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
