you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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