guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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