Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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