I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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