so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
