Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
