i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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