He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
