I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
It's like God shit irony all over that family
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
