One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
