you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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