just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
